Minding your hises and herses
Image: via Pixabay (public domain)
At the risk of turning the Red Pony Express into a drab tract concerned only with what the governor of California refers to as ‘der pollydigs’, follow me just this once through the treacherous minefield of gender politics.
Many organisations and government departments have strict policies governing gender-neutral language. If you have them to hand, shut up and follow them. If you are left to your own devices, here are a few strategies you might employ to keep on the right side of the authorities ...
Turn everything plural
Where you are faced with a complex sentence featuring an array of shes, hes, hises or herses, you can often get out of jail by turning them into thems and theirses. Witness:
An acrobat needs his muscles to be in peak condition if he is to avoid hospitalisation as the result of a miscalculation as he approaches the vaulting horse.
becomes
Acrobats need their muscles to be in peak condition if they are to avoid hospitalisation as the result of a miscalculation as they approach the vaulting horse.
Just delete it
Sometimes this works. Give it a try and see if it does. It works here:
The contractor might submit multiple invoices for the same job, but [he] can’t expect to be paid more than once.
Turn it into something else
Pronouns are just standing in for nouns anyway, so they won’t take it personally if you substitute them for an article.
The clumsy assassin dropped his rifle.
becomes
The clumsy assassin dropped the rifle.
Use a plural pronoun with a singular antecedent
This is my favourite. Although it’s ungrammatical, this strategy cuts the Gordian knot with a straightforward solution. It means attaching a plural pronoun to a singular antecedent, but it’s in the service of a higher goal – gender equality and the universal harmony that flows from it.
If anyone present has purloined my rutabaga let him speak now or forever hold his peace.
becomes
If anyone present has purloined my rutabaga let them speak now or forever hold their peace.
